I am an awful parent!

Harsh! I know. But that is what I feel when I get judged by other’s, and I suspect, that is how other parent’s feel, too, when they get judged.

I spend time on Facebook, as I find it an outlet sometimes to just bury my head in “other stuff” for a bit. Yesterday, in one of the parent groups that I belong to, there was a post from a Mom, about something she saw another Mom doing. She was “appalled” by what she saw, and chose to come on Facebook and share it with over 3000 other Moms (group is now >3000 Mothers). Personally, it didn’t really bother me (the post was about changing a diaper on a picnic table, which she made clear she thought it was gross). If poop/pee ever starts to bother me, I will need to find another career, and fast. I really just shrugged it off, as it didn’t really affect me. And, I am fairly certain that there is MUCH worse on that picnic table, but we won’t go there.

Then, I started to read some of the other comments that some other Mommies were leaving on this thread. The longer I watched/read, the more upset I was getting. I honestly cannot remember all of the comments that lead to my conclusion, but the gist of it was these mother’s (a few; not all) were judging this other mother. They were choosing to pass judgement and make comments on Facebook about a stranger that they didn’t even know. They didn’t know her story. They didn’t know that child. But some sure jumped on that band wagon of nasty judgment. And that is what upset me.

If you have read any of my other posts, you know that I have kids on the spectrum. I have suffered at the hands of judgemental people in public after one of my kids had a meltdown, or hit me, and screamed at me. And the looks and whispers and pointing of those people ruined my day. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with the emotional outbursts of one of my kids (who can’t help it, most of the time), but then to have to deal with complete strangers passing judgement on me? That makes for an awful day. Thank goodness I never had to come home to see some stranger post about me on Facebook, to announce how appalled she was at what I did with my kid. THAT would have been unbearable.

I was pretty upset about some of the comments, so I also took to Facebook! (what else is a girl to do?). I posted in the same group, and generically talked about judgement, and how it personally has affected me. I went onto explain what I have come to “learn” in my 40 years, is that if it doesn’t affect me personally, what business is it of mine to pass judgment on someone else?!? If you changing your kid on a picnic table and it does not directly affect me, it’s none of my business. If you are yelling at your kid in public (maybe because they deserve it, or because maybe you are just having a shitty day), it really does not affect me, so, why judge you for it? Judging you does NOTHING for me. Doesn’t make me feel good. Doesn’t make me better than you. In fact, it makes me feel like crap, truth be told.

So, I took to Facebook, and so did hundreds of other moms! The response was overwhelming! My notifications on my phone went nuts for hours. Hundreds of “likes” and over 100 comments, all from Mom’s thanking me! All I could think was “for what? What did I do?” I just shared what was in my heart.

Then some Mom’s shared stories with me; about a time when they felt like they were judged. And I hurt for them. Reading their stories, I could tell these Mom’s STILL had these painful memories of being judged by other’s; some by their own family members. I had a mother share that her family member basically blamed her for her child developing type 1 diabetes, because she gave her too much juice. (Absurd.) Another mother shared that her neighbor gave her the death stare because she was parenting her child and making her clean up her own mess. (Gasp.) Another Mom got the “looks” when removing her screaming child from a store, only to have other ladies give her “advice” on how to get her to stop screaming. (Oh boy.) Yet another mother was advised her Autistic son needed a good spanking and asked this poor mom (who was trying to do therapy with her son) why she chose to bring her child in public for other’s to have to listen to. (Someone else needs a good spanking.) Yet another Mother got “advice” from a FRIEND and was told that she was “too soft” on her daughter, who turns out, was special needs, and couldn’t sit still. (Mind your own business). One mom was asked “how do you cope at home” when her baby was crying on a 9 hour flight because her schedule was very disrupted. (how do YOU sleep on a plane?). And lastly, a mother was told that her daughter needed more discipline, and that she would never let a child speak to her that way, not knowing that this poor child was telling her Mom “no”, but that she was non-verbal, and this was actually a HUGE step for her child. (nosy).

And if you asked all of these people that chose to judge what they didn’t understand (and in not a single one of these stories was there an event that DIRECTLY affected the person doing the judging), I’m sure they would say that these mother’s were “bad parents”. Pisses me off.

So, if you are reading this, please ask yourself the next time you are feeling the need to judge someone else, “does this affect me”? Not “does this stir an emotion in me”, because that is different. But, does this DIRECTLY affect you? If the answer is no, maybe choose not to ruin someone else’s day. You do NOT know the whole story. You do NOT now what that mother has had to deal with today. And, quite frankly, it really is none of your business.

We can make a deal. Don’t judge me, and I will continue on being that “awful” parent by not doing what it is that you think I should be doing. I say that for all of the “awful” parents out there. We are doing the best we can, and some of us are really taking it one day at a time, because that is all we have in us at the moment, so please, if it doesn’t directly affect you, please don’t judge us. Because I don’t judge you.

Heather