I am an awful parent!

Harsh! I know. But that is what I feel when I get judged by other’s, and I suspect, that is how other parent’s feel, too, when they get judged.

I spend time on Facebook, as I find it an outlet sometimes to just bury my head in “other stuff” for a bit. Yesterday, in one of the parent groups that I belong to, there was a post from a Mom, about something she saw another Mom doing. She was “appalled” by what she saw, and chose to come on Facebook and share it with over 3000 other Moms (group is now >3000 Mothers). Personally, it didn’t really bother me (the post was about changing a diaper on a picnic table, which she made clear she thought it was gross). If poop/pee ever starts to bother me, I will need to find another career, and fast. I really just shrugged it off, as it didn’t really affect me. And, I am fairly certain that there is MUCH worse on that picnic table, but we won’t go there.

Then, I started to read some of the other comments that some other Mommies were leaving on this thread. The longer I watched/read, the more upset I was getting. I honestly cannot remember all of the comments that lead to my conclusion, but the gist of it was these mother’s (a few; not all) were judging this other mother. They were choosing to pass judgement and make comments on Facebook about a stranger that they didn’t even know. They didn’t know her story. They didn’t know that child. But some sure jumped on that band wagon of nasty judgment. And that is what upset me.

If you have read any of my other posts, you know that I have kids on the spectrum. I have suffered at the hands of judgemental people in public after one of my kids had a meltdown, or hit me, and screamed at me. And the looks and whispers and pointing of those people ruined my day. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with the emotional outbursts of one of my kids (who can’t help it, most of the time), but then to have to deal with complete strangers passing judgement on me? That makes for an awful day. Thank goodness I never had to come home to see some stranger post about me on Facebook, to announce how appalled she was at what I did with my kid. THAT would have been unbearable.

I was pretty upset about some of the comments, so I also took to Facebook! (what else is a girl to do?). I posted in the same group, and generically talked about judgement, and how it personally has affected me. I went onto explain what I have come to “learn” in my 40 years, is that if it doesn’t affect me personally, what business is it of mine to pass judgment on someone else?!? If you changing your kid on a picnic table and it does not directly affect me, it’s none of my business. If you are yelling at your kid in public (maybe because they deserve it, or because maybe you are just having a shitty day), it really does not affect me, so, why judge you for it? Judging you does NOTHING for me. Doesn’t make me feel good. Doesn’t make me better than you. In fact, it makes me feel like crap, truth be told.

So, I took to Facebook, and so did hundreds of other moms! The response was overwhelming! My notifications on my phone went nuts for hours. Hundreds of “likes” and over 100 comments, all from Mom’s thanking me! All I could think was “for what? What did I do?” I just shared what was in my heart.

Then some Mom’s shared stories with me; about a time when they felt like they were judged. And I hurt for them. Reading their stories, I could tell these Mom’s STILL had these painful memories of being judged by other’s; some by their own family members. I had a mother share that her family member basically blamed her for her child developing type 1 diabetes, because she gave her too much juice. (Absurd.) Another mother shared that her neighbor gave her the death stare because she was parenting her child and making her clean up her own mess. (Gasp.) Another Mom got the “looks” when removing her screaming child from a store, only to have other ladies give her “advice” on how to get her to stop screaming. (Oh boy.) Yet another mother was advised her Autistic son needed a good spanking and asked this poor mom (who was trying to do therapy with her son) why she chose to bring her child in public for other’s to have to listen to. (Someone else needs a good spanking.) Yet another Mother got “advice” from a FRIEND and was told that she was “too soft” on her daughter, who turns out, was special needs, and couldn’t sit still. (Mind your own business). One mom was asked “how do you cope at home” when her baby was crying on a 9 hour flight because her schedule was very disrupted. (how do YOU sleep on a plane?). And lastly, a mother was told that her daughter needed more discipline, and that she would never let a child speak to her that way, not knowing that this poor child was telling her Mom “no”, but that she was non-verbal, and this was actually a HUGE step for her child. (nosy).

And if you asked all of these people that chose to judge what they didn’t understand (and in not a single one of these stories was there an event that DIRECTLY affected the person doing the judging), I’m sure they would say that these mother’s were “bad parents”. Pisses me off.

So, if you are reading this, please ask yourself the next time you are feeling the need to judge someone else, “does this affect me”? Not “does this stir an emotion in me”, because that is different. But, does this DIRECTLY affect you? If the answer is no, maybe choose not to ruin someone else’s day. You do NOT know the whole story. You do NOT now what that mother has had to deal with today. And, quite frankly, it really is none of your business.

We can make a deal. Don’t judge me, and I will continue on being that “awful” parent by not doing what it is that you think I should be doing. I say that for all of the “awful” parents out there. We are doing the best we can, and some of us are really taking it one day at a time, because that is all we have in us at the moment, so please, if it doesn’t directly affect you, please don’t judge us. Because I don’t judge you.

Heather

Do vitamin supplements work? What is the hype about Empowerplus Q96?

This is part 2 to the series I have written to explain why Empowerplus Q96 (and other Q Sciences supplements) work, where other may not.  I pre-warn you, it is a long read, but worth it for the conclusion.  If you, or your loved one, takes a vitamin, you owe it to yourself to read this!

 

 

Do vitamin and mineral supplements actually work? And what is all the hype I am hearing about

Q Sciences and this “Q96” I keep hearing about

 

As a nurse in critical care medicine, 15+ years ago, I would have said “of course they do”.  5 years ago, after learning about “fillers”, I would have said “no, don’t waste your money; eat a healthy diet and exercise”.  Now, after doing tons of research on supplements and our food, my answer is “yes and no; it really depends of the supplement”. Let me explain, and bear with me, this will be a long one, with some links to “enjoy” at your leisure.  But I promise you, if you make it to the end, you will be much more educated on the vitamin industry, and why some supplements work, where others do not.

 

It may help to explain in very short order, why I have spent so much time doing this research, and why this means as much to me as it does.  If you have read any of my previous blog posts, or any posts on my support group page, or my educational/fan page, you may already know that I have one child confirmed on the Autism Spectrum, and a second one going through the process of also getting the diagnosis.  There was a mention of “medicating” my daughter by her diagnosing physician, and that scared me.  While I think medicating children is necessary in some cases, it most definitely was not my first choice, and I went on a hunt for a healthier alternative.  I found a supplement that had been on the market since the 90’s.  I was initially skeptical, as it was developed for the treatment of bipolar disorder.  But, I did my due diligence, and began to research the product.  It took me awhile, because I wanted to make sure that this was not like the other vitamins/supplements on the market.  I had become a bit jaded of the supplement market, after learning about “fillers”. 

 

While spending a bit of time on google to give you a link to an article to explain this a bit better than I can, I can tell you that there are TONS of articles that explain about “fillers”, and the harm they can do.  If this article doesn’t do it for you, feel free to google it yourself.  I just typed in “vitamin supplement fillers”, and I was awarded with pages of links to do my research.  If you were anything like me 15 years ago, that thought “vitamins are good for me, it doesn’t matter which one I get”, I highly encourage you to do this research yourself.  But alas, here is a quick link.  I like this article, as it’s written for the average person to understand. And though I do agree with his remarks about a healthy diet, I will say save that thought for later in this post. I will address the “healthy diet” as your only form of vitamin intake.

 

http://www.draxe.com/4-dangerous-and-common-vitamin-fillers-you-must-avoid/

 

Now that we have addressed “fillers”, I’m hoping that you will be a bit more cautious in your vitamin choices.  I read a quote last night on Facebook that stuck with me, and I will repeat it here, as I am guilty of this “filler” issue. Thanks for sharing the quote, Brett…

 

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it…”

 

I won’t name any name brands here, as I don’t have the money to fight a big legal team if one of the “big guys” should find their way to reading this post, but I did give my daughter one of those chewable vitamins that we all love to give our kids; heck, I think I grew up on one of them.  I also used to use one of the very popular over the counter brands that is VERY popular, and is all over the shelves at most places that sell vitamins.  I won’t do it again, and I won’t be giving any of that junk to my family.  Unfortunately, I sat at one of the popular stores, checking the labels for the vitamins that they carried, and I found fillers in almost every bottle I picked up. It’s your body, and you can do what you want with it, but please reconsider if that is where and how you buy your vitamins.

 

Okay, so let’s work on the premise that you have found a vitamin that has little to no fillers. Great!  That is step one.  Now, there are two issues I would like to discuss here; absorption is the main issue, but overall, will it improve your health?  Did you know that you only absorb a portion of the tablets and/or capsules of vitamins that you take? Thank you Laura, and Q Family Health for this tidbit:

 

“According to the Physician’s Desk Reference (PDR is the Bible that doctors and nurses use for medications), sprays are 9 times more effective than pills”.  IN GENERAL, you only absorb up to 10% of pill-form vitamins, and up to 20% gel capsule-form vitamins.  That is a fraction of what you should be absorbing. Now, back to the “filler” thing. So, if you are taking a pill with fillers, and now, you are only absorbing 10% of the actual vitamin, really, what’s the point?  Have you ever heard a medical professional say “you are just buying expensive urine”? I have, and for the most part, they are not far off from the mark.

 

Lastly, with my evidence of why your vitamins may NOT be working for you, is a link to an article that was published in December of 2013, based on two recent studies.  I will have to say that I agree with a lot of this article, with the exception of, again, eating a healthy diet as your only means of nutrient intake, and their opinion of multi-vitamins and cognitive function.  It is apparent to me that they did NOT study all supplements to come to that conclusion, and you will see why I came to that conclusion in a little later in this post.  But for now, here is a link to the article for your perusal:

 

http://www.wibw.com/home/headlines/Dont-Waste-Your-Money–Study-Says-Multivitamins-Dont-Work-236290811.html

Agreed, WIBW.com! Most of these supplements are not worth their money.  But there are a few that are…. but I have one last topic to discuss that I think you need to take into consideration before choosing your supplements. Food!

 

Yes, any medical professional worth their salt will tell you that for a healthy body, you need to incorporate a healthy lifestyle, with physical activity, hydration with H2O, and, a healthy diet.  I agree. 100%.  But here is where I differ from a lot of medical professionals.  I take issue with the healthy diet.  What is a healthy diet?  Different dieticians will give you different answers, but they all seem to surround increased fruit and vegetable intake, healthy carbs, healthy fats, a good choice of protein, yada yada.  Let’s now not forget that there are thousands of variables of that “healthy diet”, based on any disease process you may have such as diabetes, Crohns, or Celiac.  A healthy diet can be confusing, even for many of us in the medical field.  But that is not my issue.  My issue is the food itself!

 

Have any of you seen any of the documentaries that are out here on the quality of our food this day and age?  Some of them are quite scary, and quite frankly, true.  I’m not a zealot, by all means.  I don’t think we all need to grow all of our food in our back yards, but we need to take into account the foods that we are eating, and what potential health effects that our food may have on our bodies.  Did you know that not all organic food is actually “organic”?  Let’s assume you eat a diet mostly consisting of fruits and vegetables.  Great! What about the quality? Once our food is picked from the field it was grown in, frozen, packaged, shipped, thawed, and stored in the warehouse it sits in before it is unpackaged and put out on the store shelves, you now have a fraction of the original nutritional benefit it had then when it was first picked.  I forget the actual percentage, but it is somewhere around 10%!!!  Now, let’s add in pesticides, and the fillers that are added to our foods by the companies that make boxed foods, and all the buzz surrounding GMO’s!  Do you get the picture?  Our diets, as good as we try to be, are lacking in nutritional value, EVEN IF YOU ACTUALLY EAT HEALTHY!!! Short of actually growing your fruits and vegetables in your own backyard, and you hand raise all of your protein (chicken, fish, etc.), the current industry decreases the vitamin and mineral content that we have in our food!  It’s as simple as that.  Your “healthy diet” is still lacking! 

 

If you are still following me, I will quickly explore the health implications of our nutritionally lacking foods.  The first is obvious; obesity.  We don’t need to get into it.  I’m sure the majority, if not all of you reading this knows that if you eat unhealthy, processed, fatty food on a regular basis, you will gain weight.  And when that happens, I think most of know about the potential health implications with obesity, like diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cardio-vascuIar disease that leads to heart attacks and strokes.  It’s the lesser known implications that I wanted to discuss.  Did you know that the latest studies are starting to implicate nutritional deficiencies in the brain to symptomology!!!  What?!? So, if my brain doesn’t have enough vitamins and minerals in it, I can have symptoms?  Yep!  You got it!!! 

 

So, now what do we do?!? It’s back to supplements to get what your body needs.  It’s about the specific supplements, their ingredients (this post is long enough, so I won’t get too far into that, but suffice it to say that many vitamin supplement companies get their ingredients from less than stellar places), the company that supplies them, and, here is the big one….HOW THEY ARE FORMULATED! 

 

This does not mean that you need to break the bank to get a good supplement.  For example, I personally know of people that spend over $100/month on just their probiotic supplement; that doesn’t include their separate vitamin supplements.  Wow! Who can afford that?!?  More expensive does NOT mean better, in many cases.

 

So, what does this all mean? Why did I just take the time to tell you about fillers, and expensive urine, and nutritionally deficient food? It’s because I have found a company that provides an answer to all of that, and more specifically, an amazing supplement that I think every singlep erson should be using.  I use it, and both of my ASD kids do, too.  Family and friends, acquaintances, strangers, etc.  After finding this supplement, and doing research on it, and the company, I began telling anyone that would listen.  And those that did, tried it, and MOST are still taking it.

 

If you were just reading this post for the educational value, and you are not interested in finding supplements that work, then you can stop reading here.  I hope that I snot the case, but do understand that there are people who are curious, but that s the extent of the interest.  I will go onto touch on the company you can get the following products from, and I will give a very brief over view of the current product line (with one exception; you need to hear more about one specific product).

 

I won’t get into too much detail, but over the last year, I have learned to trust Q Sciences as a company. I have met the CEO, and several other members of the corporate team.  They are good people.   In fact, if you heard about the flooding that took place in Alberta, Canada, this may be of interest.  I live in the flood zone, and my town wasaffected.  I won’t get into that, butsuffice it to say, it was not good around here, and there are many still tryingto pick up the pieces.  To say that therewas stress and anxiety after the floods would be an understatement.  Q Sciences got wind of this, and they steppedup and donated product to the victims of the flood.  I can’t begin to tell you the impact thatthat kind gesture made on the recipients of the product, and my faith in thiscompany.  They work WITH their people,and ask our opinions all the time.  Thatmakes a difference to me.  They also dotheir due diligence in research before considering bringing on any new productto their product line.  I have NEVERgotten the sense that they are just in this for the money.  Yes, they want to make money, every companydoes.  But their base desire is to do theright things for the right reasons.  Isn’tthat right, Daren?  They developed a Kidsclub for the company, to highlight all of the kids that their products havemade a difference for.  My daughter wasthe first member of their club, and that brings an enormous amount of pride,for me, and for her.  She will be thefirst person to tell you that their flagship product, Empowerplus Q96 changedher life.

 

In their product line are supplements that work.  There is no two ways about it.  The supplements are reasonably priced, andproperly researched.  I will briefly introducethem to you, saving the flagship product for last, as, in my opinion, it isgoing to change the face of how we treat mental illness and any symptom thatoriginates in the brain. 

 

• QBiotics-This is Q Sciences version of a probiotic. There are a ton of choices onthe market today, some quite expensive, and some on the cheaper side.  Price is not the deciding factor for me, butthe quality of the probiotic, and, does it work.  Here, there is a resounding “YES”.  It’s patented technology allows the tablet tosurvive through the harsh environment of the stomach, and makes it to the smallintestine, where MOST of the GI issues originate.  I cannot begin to tell you about the feedbackI get on this product, but suffice it to say, people LOVE it.  Here is a link to the companies’ page with some additional information on their probiotic:

http://qsciences.com/products/qbiotics/

 

• QSprays- The company has a line of sprays, designed to be absorbed directly into your bloodstream through the sublingual route. They have a Vitamin D3, Vitamin B12, Vitamin C with Zinc, a spraydesigned to help you sleep, QSleep, and a spray designed to help boost yourmetabolism and increase cellular activity, QBoost.  All of these sprays bypass the stomach andare absorbed directly into your blood stream. Remember my comment about the PDR stating sprays are 9 times more effective than pills; here you go.  Way more effective than taking a pill form of these vitamins.

 

http://qsciences.com/products/qsprays/

 

 

·        

 

 

• Qssentials-This is the companies’ multivitamin pack. It features  4 supplements, including the previouslymentioned probiotic, and also their flagship product, Empowerplus Q96.  The people that take this pack as an option as opposed to separate supplements swear by it.

http://qsciences.com/products/qssentials/

 

• QPets- This is a vitamin and mineral supplement for your furry babies.  It is based on the flagship product,Empowerplus Q96, and will help with a lot of the same symptoms that you will read about in my explanation of Empowerplus Q96.

http://qsciences.com/products/qpets/

 

• EmpowerplusQ96 Berries and Bananas- Also based on the flagship product, but in a powder form for your younger children or more seasoned adults who may have difficulties swollowing capsules.  My son takes this version.

http://qsciences.com/products/q96berries-banana/

 

• EmpowerplusQ96- This is the companies’ flagship product, and it is changing lives. I am not going to take the next 30 minutes to type up all the wonderful and amazing information on this product, as this post has taken long enough, but here is the link to the basic information that the company provides; I will elaborate a little bit, though, because, well, I just have to! 

http://qsciences.com/products/q96/

 

 

This product has been around since the 90’s, long before QSciences came to be.  It was developed by two men, one of which was searching for a way to help two of his children who have bipolar disorder.  The product worked, and over the years, they began to see that it was helping with other issues as well, such as the accompanying symptoms to Autism, and ADHD, to name a few.  The research community took note,and began to do clinical trials on this supplement.  To date, there are 22 published articles inrespected medical journals, with 10 more trials in the process.  It has been studied in 4 countries, by 41researchers, at 14 Universities, including Harvard University.

 

It is specially formulated to cross that blood brain barrier, effectively “nutrating” the brain, and delivering the vitamins and minerals to the brain, where other supplements do not.  I eluded to the brain manifesting symptoms when there is a nutritional deficiency; this can include symptoms such as brain fog, depression, obsessions, irritability, anxiety…this list goes on and on.  Ask yourself this: do you, or aloved one, have a symptom that may originate in the brain?  If that answer is yes, then this supplementjust may provide some help.  I told my aunt, and a friend, who both have Multiple Sclerosis, about this supplement.  They both tried it, and are still taking it.  They feel better.

 

If any of that information intrigues you about the Empowerplus Q96, and you want to know more, here are some links for you.  First is the link back to Q Sciences and the first 20 of the 22 published reports. These are one of the main reasons I took this supplement seriously.  Does the vitamin you currently take have this kind of research behind it?  I know it doesn’t.

 

http://qsciences.com/science/q96-published-empirical-reports-and-abstracts-2/

 

This next link is to my personal website, that goes a little more into the story behind Empowerplus Q96, the formulator, the court case that made it all the way to the Supreme Court of Canada, some testimonials, and some news clips.  Over the years, there has been a lot of information that has come out on this product.  Tony Stephan, the formulator, has spent the last 17 years of his life educating, and promoting this product out of his company, Truehope.  Last year, he decided that the word was not spreading fast enough, and not enough people knew about it, so he teamed up with Q Sciences, and allowed them the world wide rights to his product.  What has happened since then has been astounding.  If you haven’t heard about Q Sciences yet, and their product, Empowerplus Q96, you will.  Over the last two weeks, I have gotten a call from 3 different people (two pharmacists and a chiropractor) asking if they could start carrying these products.  The word is getting out.

 

http://qhopeforkids.blogspot.ca/

 

The last thing I want to mention about all of this is the blood brain barrier, that I previously mentioned.  I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked about this, and, why Empowerplus Q96 works but those “other vitamins” don’t.  Here is a post to explain why:

 

https://www.facebook.com/notes/q-hope-for-kids-and-families/what-is-the-blood-brain-barrier-and-what-does-this-mean-to-us-in-regards-to-empo/438526369607889

 

So, do vitamins work? The short answer is yes, some do. But you should make sure that you are spending your money on one that does work, otherwise, it will be a waste.

 

Last thoughts:  Why should you listen to me?  Who am I to contradict all of those other people? The short answer is I am a nobody. I am not a doctor, nor do I have a PhD. I’m just a nurse, with 15 years experience in various areas of medicine; mostly emergency medicine.  I have learned how to do research in my line of work, and I have learned that not all doctors have all the answers.  I am also a mom to two special needs children whom I would move heaven and earth for, so trust me, I have researched this stuff backwards and forwards.  I trust these products, and the company.  But don’t take my word for it; do the research yourself. I have provided all the information you will need to do this background work for yourself.  No one, not even the doctors who have challenged me, have come up with a different conclusion than I have.  The proof is in the research and track record.  But again, don’t take my word for it.  Who am I?

 

Heather C., RN

Mom

 

Feel free to contact me if you should have any specific questions about the products.  I can be reached through my website, linked above, or www.qhopeforkids.com has all of my contact information under the “contact me” tab. Alternately, qhopeforkids@gmail.com

 

What exactly is the blood brain barrier, and why should you care when choosing a vitamin?!?

I belong to a group in which I help educate about a lot of things, including WHY the vitamins I use on my children work, where other parents are seeing little to no differences with their children when giving supplements.  This is part 1 to a 2 part series I have written in the last few days to explain WHY Empowerplus Q96 works, where other supplements may not.

 

The BIGGEST reason, IMO opinion, is it crosses the blood brain barrier, or in my world, also known as the BBB…

 

Here is the answer I gave when asked to explain exactly what the BBB was, and why it is so important with this particular product.

 

 

 

What is the blood brain barrier, and what does this mean to us in regards to Empowerplus Q96?

 

 

The blood brain barrier is exactly what it sounds like; it’s a barrier that protects the brain from most substances in your blood system. I will explain as much of this in layman terms as I can, because even I get confused with some of the terms that we use in medicine, and I have been working with the terms now for over 15 years!

When you eat or drink something, it travels through your digestive system, and is absorbed through your stomach, and into your blood system. Then, the substance travels through your blood stream, eventually getting absorbed into most of your organs and tissues, with the exception of the brain. This would be because of the blood brain barrier. This “barrier”, which is actually an extremely tight junction, or winding, of epithelial cells that covers and protects the central nervous system blood vessels (the blood vessels that supply blood to your brain), preventing most substances from entering your brain. This barrier also protects your brain from most infections. If you think about the “basic” infections that most people get, such as a urinary tract infection, or strep throat, these bacteria are unable to penetrate the blood brain barrier, which is a good thing. When I explain the blood brain barrier to my personal customers, or my new IBO’s, (let’s start using the medical abbreviation here to save me some typing, it’s BBB), I tell them to think of the BBB as saran wrap, that covers the entire brain, and prevents most things from getting into the brain. Even though that is not correct, as explained before, it helps to give you a visual to think of. The BBB protects your brain from chemicals, many medicines, infections, etc. It is an amazing biological substance, and it’s job in our body is to protect our brains!

 

Now, how does this apply to Empowerplus Q96? Well, Empowerplus Q96 was formulated to penetrate that BBB. It is done by two processes, but basically, the chelation process binds our minerals to protein, which the body needs, and wants. Our particles are also very, very small, and with being bound to those proteins that the brain wants and needs, those very small particles do pass through the BBB, and circulates in the blood that goes into the brain. So, our supplement will get directly to the brain, where MOST vitamins and minerals will not cross the blood brain barrier. When you get vitamins and minerals INTO the brain, where these deficiencies originate from, you start to fix the symptoms that manifest in people. For example, if you get the nutrients to the brain (by crossing the BBB) and you start to improve the deficiency, it may help improve the depression in that particular person. We may all have different symptoms from these deficiencies, such as brain fog, or depression, or irritability (in someone with a otherwise “normal brain”, not someone who has different wiring , such as someone with Autism or ADHD, for example. That is a whole other lesson, but the same principle; their symptoms would manifest differently), but with the latest research, and with what we are seeing with the amazing improvements with people trying Empowerplus Q96, it leads me to believe that many, many of these symptoms derive from the nutritional deficiencies we have in our brains.

For additional information on Empowerplus Q96, my story, or any other pertinent questions, you can send me an e-mail at qhopeforkids@gmail.com, or visit my website at http://www.qhopeforkids.com

 

If you have not done so yet, listen to a recording of Tony Stephan or Autumn Stringam talk about nutritional deficiencies in the brain. This is exactly what Tony is talking about when he says “Empoweplus Q96 nutrates the brain”. Our Q96 crosses that BBB, and helps to reverse that nutritional deficiency in our brains, thus improving the symptoms that manifest from the deficiencies.

Q Sciences or Empowerplus Q96 does not claim to “fix or cure” any disease process or any symptom originating from a disease.

 

Oh no, not again!

I am finding this to have a little bit of a DejaVu feel to it.  Me sitting here, typing about my journey and my stuggles, and tearing up at the thought of what I want to share with you today.

Since starting this journey last year after getting Tessa’s diagnosis, and finally coming to terms with it, I started a Fecebook support group.  I thought that with all of the pain that I have gone through, I might be able to provide comfort to another parent, or family member.  If I could do that, it would be worth it.  And I have.  Over and over again.  I have helped give a little bit of comfort, support, and education to dozens and dozens of families since I made the conscious decision to do so.

Then I found myself posting on another Facebook support page not too long ago, because this time, it was me that needed some support.  This time, I needed someone to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay.  This time, I needed someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I didn’t do anything to cause this to happen to not just one of my babies, but now possibly both of them.

Yes, you read that right.  I am going through this journey again.  My baby boy.  My beautiful baby boy may also be on the autism spectrum.  He is now 26 months, and I had an inkling about it as far back as almost a year ago.  

He was displaying some “unusual” behaviors, especially for a child that young.  But I kept telling myself just that; “ah, it’s just unusual, that’s all”.  And I kept on telling myself whatever would make me feel better.  Then we took him in for his 16 month check up with the Community Health Nurse.  She was a bit concerned, as he wasn’t talking yet.  At all.  All he had at that time was some version of “Dad”.  I don’t even think he had “Mom” yet.  So she sent a letter to my family doctor, and said keep a close eye on him.

Fast forward to my next visit at my family doctor’s office.  He said the “right” things, the consoling things; “I’m sure it’s nothing”, “He is probably just a late bloomer”, etc.  I appreciated him for that.  But he also said “just to be safe, let’s get him evaluated anyway”.  So, back into the system of long waits we went.  Here in Alberta, specifically Calgary, with as young as my little guy is, he has to go to a special clinic out of Children’s hospital.  But with the higher prevalence these days of “disorders”, there is a waiting list.  I have had my initial “intake” interview with them, and was told that based on the “behaviors” he has, and the fact that he is still non-verbal, he will go on the Autism Spectrum Disorder “list”.  I guess at the clinic, they have two lists.  One for Autism Spectrum Disorders and one for everybody else.  And guess which one takes longer?  Sigh. (this is totally fodder for another day, and another educational post, but in all of the research that I have done thus far in my journey, I have a HIGH suspicion of why we are seeing more and more of these disorders these days, but I digress).  The clinician also told me on that day that my little guy was pre-approved for speech therapy, and that we needed to get a pediatrician, for the eventual diagnosis.  I gotta tell ya, after that “pre-interview” is when I started to panic a little inside.

So that brings us to meeting our pediatrician.  It’s a long, boring story, but suffice it to say, I left the office in tears that day.  And have been in tears many, many times since then.

It is amazing how the world can come crashing down on top of your shoulders so quickly.  Some days, I feel pretty good, and I think “I can do this”, and some days, I don’t want to get out of bed because I am feeling so sorry for myself.  How can I, a person who has dedicated her entire adult life to helping others, get chosen to have not one, but two special needs children?  What did I do in a previous life that was so bad?  (I should mention here that he has not been officially diagnosed yet, as we are still waiting to get into the specialty clinic, but in the meantime, our new pediatrician is helping to already set up early interventions for him; that’s a pretty big clue).

I am finding this time around harder.  Because I KNOW in my bones that there is nothing “wrong” with him, as I have already come to that conclusion with my daughter.  She is special, and different, and perfect just the way she is.  I just had to learn how to adjust to the way she sees the world.  And I know that will be the same way with the baby, but there are days that I come back to “why me?”  I thought I was over feeling sorry for myself, but I am not.  I still have bad days.  Like today, can you tell?  I bet if I re-visit this blog tomorrow, I will have a better outlook than today. But you know what?  Today, I’m okay feeling sorry for myself.  Because, I know I will get there.  I did with my daughter.  And I will with my son.  But just not today.

The answer to her struggles?

 

(note: if you have come to this blog entry because of a mention of a supplement, read until the end, where I will talk in more specifics about the supplement that is changing lives; Tessa’s included)

 

I mentioned in my last post that I found a supplement that began to help Tessa with her symptoms, and I wanted to expand a bit on that, for those that it may help.

After we got the diagnosis for Tessa, there was a relief about finally figuring it out, but there was also a huge sense of “now what?”  I remember sitting in our physician’s office, when he was confirming the diagnosis, and only hearing one of every few words he said.  I was trying to pay attention; I really was.  But my head was spinning.

We were sitting around a very large table, and there were a ton of people in the room!!  (We were actually very fortunate to have linked her into a program that was co-sponsored by a leading physician in our family physician’s office, as well as our school).  I can’t even remember all the people that were at the table, but there were two doctor’s, a nurse specialist, the school principle, two teacher’s, myself, her father, and I think I have actually missed a few more, but you get the point; I kinda felt a little bit like her father and I were “on display”, but I know that is silly.  Everyone there really did have her best interest at heart.  I was even lucky enough that the head physician for this program was a guy that I had worked with for years at our local hospital (don’t know if I mentioned this in the last post, but I am a ER nurse), so I knew him very well, and he did have some insight into me, and how I might handle this news.

We heard all about her educational test results, her physcological results, her OCD screening tool results, her depression screening tool results (I could keep going on and on and on here, but I just wanted you to get the picture).  She was subjected to A LOT of tests, and she took it like a trooper!  In retrospect, we are grateful for the in depth look that this process took, as she did see a few different specialists at the University of Calgary, and they were terrific.

After we heard all of the results, the doctor (oh, let’s call him Dr. Giggles, just because he may read this one day, so let’s keep it cheery, shall we, BS??) asked me if I understood.  I think I may have nodded, but I can’t be certain; that day is still a bit of a blur.  I asked Dr. Giggles “So what now?”

He was as supportive as he could be, but truth be told, it wasn’t that supportive.  Now don’t get me wrong; he actually was extremely supportive in his words, because I know in my bones that he could feel my pain that day, and knowing what a supportive father he is, he hurt a little for me that day, too.  But there wasn’t much the medical community could do for us.  He gave us a bunch of website links to visit; he educated us on some (somewhat) local resources we could tap into; he explained that she was now eligible for government programs, etc. etc. etc., but that was all he could do.  His hands were pretty much tied.  He would prepare a report for our Family doctor, and one for the school.  In the meantime, he told us that there were no “cures” for Autism, and there were no medications that he thought would help her.  We just had to tap into local resources, and support her the best way that we could, because, in a nut shell, that’s all folks.  Autism isn’t a “disease”.  It’s a development disorder.  And I knew that, because I had done my research.  But I don’t mind sharing that I left that day feeling a little let down.  I think I honestly was hoping that Dr. Giggles would have some magical answers for me.  I was honestly hoping that he might have a little known secret to share with me; that there might be some magical pill I could give her to help her.  I knew deep down inside this wasn’t the case, but I was hoping.

I even made an appointment with her family doctor after that, hoping he had the answers.  As much as I respect him, and value his opinion, he had less to tell me than Dr. Giggles did.  No magical cure all there, either.

I have done hours and hours of online research.  I went to all of the websites that Dr. Giggles recommended, and I even found dozens more.  I joined a few Facebook support groups, which did help make me feel not quite so alone, but provided no “now what” answers that I was looking for.

I spent (and am still) days and weeks filling out this form, and calling that agency, to get her hooked up with all of these “programs” that are put into place to help support her, and her parents.  I am about 9 or so months out from our official diagnosis, and we still don’t have her plugged into most of the programs that she needs plugging into.  I’d guess it’s about a 50:50 explanation; 50% government red tape and 50% me dragging my feet because it took me a while to accept it.

But I have found hope in the form of a supplement, of all things!  I think here is where it might help some of you if I explained her symptoms, and her disorder, in a little more detail.  (Please bare with me, because if you are reading this, chances are you may have been sent here by a friend, because they thought this might help you, or your child, with the issues they may be struggling with.  I firmly believe that you must educate yourself before you can make any decisions, so let me educate you a bit).

I know some of this I mentioned in my last post, but it bears repeating.  Here is your education on disorders of the Autism Spectrum, in layman terms:

The medical profession, and diagnosing practitioners (doctors, psychiatrists, etc.) use a huge medical book to diagnose “mental disorders” called the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders).  There are currently four versions of this book, number four (IV) is the most up-to-date.  That is due to change this year.  The medical community is coming out with the DSM V (the fifth edition).  I mention this book because there is an expectation that the diagnostic criteria for Autism will be changing, and that may help some of you in the future.  Right now, if someone is diagnosed with Autism, or Asperger’s Syndrome, or Pervasive Developmental disorder, etc., that is your diagnosis.  The plan for the next DSM is to take away those “titles”.  It will be kind of like being pregnant; you either are or you are not.  In the future, for a person to be diagnosed as having one of those disorders, they will be diagnosed as having a “Autism Spectrum Disorder”, and they will be graded as being mild, moderate, severe, etc.  It does get slightly more technical than that, but that is the anticipated diagnosing in a nut shell.  Tessa’s diagnosis will become ASD, mild.  What that will tell future medical practitioners is that she has Autistic traits (and there are a TON), but she may have only been suffering from a few, where someone on the severe end of the ASD spectrum would be expected to have most of those traits.

I hope that made sense; now lets talk about the traits.  Again, there are a ton of traits that these kids may have, but I would be here for hours spelling them all out to you.  I will speak to the traits that Tessa has.

She has some components of OCD; she becomes obsessive about things.  In the past it was sharks and dinosaurs.  Then she began to obsess about germs.  This obsession became problematic because she would wash her hands to excess.  She would wash them so much that they would crack and bleed.  I ended up having to have several meetings with her teacher at school about this one, because her teacher was worried (rightfully so).  That took several months to get under control.  Then she began to obsess about diseases; specifically terminal diseases.  She became very concerned about cancer, and things of the sort.  This is still her current obsession.  If anything within the house gets brought up about someone being ill, she will become very upset, and jump to conclusions about it being cancer, or some equally devastating diagnosis.

She also can become quite anxious about things, and it all depends upon what might be bothering her.  But bottom line is she can be quite an anxious little girl at times.  She also has issues with bonding with some people.  There doesn’t seem to be a pattern to who that might be.  But her grandfather is a perfect example.  He came to visit her when she was only a few weeks old.  Things didn’t go well between them; she wasn’t too keen on being held by him.  And that continued as she got older.  She had some issues with physical contact between the two of them.  She would get quite anxious if he wanted to play with her.  They just didn’t bond all that well.

These are just a few traits of an ASD child that she possesses.  All of these traits improved with the supplement I mentioned earlier in this post, and my last post.  Maybe it’s time to start talking about that.

I won’t get into the whole story of how this supplement came to be; I would be here for a long time.  But I will give you the basics, and you can contact me if you’d like more specific information.  This supplement has been around since the 90’s, but has just began to gain momentum (by word of mouth, then media coverage) in the mid 2000’s.  The supplement is an all natural vitamin/mineral supplement.  It is technically a micronurtient, because of the extensive technology behind it’s formulation.  Anyway, there are over 20 published studies, has been studied at 14 Universities, with 41 researchers involved in clinical studies.  It has been proven (verified by peer reviewed research papers) to improve symptoms in the following disorders: ADD/ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, Autism, OCD, and stress.  It has even “unofficially” greatly improved symptoms of high blood pressure, thyroid dysfunction, menopause (hot flashes), migraines, and asthma.  There have even been lab studies that have shown improvements in people with brain injuries (unofficial, but documented by YouTube videos).

Basically, what this micronutrient does is restores your brain and cells back to optimal nutrition, therefor it assists the body in fixing itself!!  I could go on and on about this,but I won’t.  If your life is touched by any of the issues I mentioned previously, I encourage you to do some more research.  Putting your family member on this supplement may just improve your quality of life, or save it, in some instances.

If you would like more info, send me a e-mail at: hdcolvin@hotmail.com

I put Tessa on this supplement, and I saw improvements in her anxiety level and her obsessions just about disappeared.  Because her anxiety level was so low, she was able to talk to me about things and think them through, whereas before, she wasn’t able to calm down and hear what I was trying to say to her.  She has now been able to bond with her grandfather, and she allows him to play with her and even tickle her; loud noises don’t seem to bother her as much, either. She has had no meltdowns since starting her on the supplement. And she now will spend time with her family, out of her bedroom, where she will usually spend her whole day.  She seeks out playing with other kids (new for her) and she is just happier.  Her quality of life has improved, and that is all any parent can ask for.  She will never be “cured”, but she is happier and feels better.  She has even told me that her “vitamins” make her feel better, and she is able to think more clearly.  She asks to take them, and that is a win in my book!!

 

To look into their eyes; this mother’s journey.

(Because I am aware that this is being posted on the internet, I have changed some names to protect the people in this story).

 

There are many things that come to mind when I think of things that “define” me; a partner, a nurse, spiritual, honest….and the list goes on.  These are the things that I used to think about when I thought about myself.  That has changed.  The one thing that comes to mind now is “mother”.  I am many things, but I have come to understand that the most important job I will ever have in this life is being a mother.

I was watching TV this morning, and a song came on.  My little boy started to dance; I started to cry.  It wasn’t because I was sad or hurt; it was pride.  “Tony” is 19 months old, and he is honestly the happiest kid I have ever been around.  Not much seems to bother him, and he is always smiling, and laughing, and dancing!  It doesn’t matter whether it’s country, rock, hip hop… he dances.  It is just his spirit.  And I am finally starting to see that same spirit in his sister, and it’s been 9 years in the making.

I stated in my last post that I had something to share, and that I wasn’t ready.  Well, today I am.  I had a friend show up at my door this morning, hurt and scared.  I won’t share why; that’s her journey, and she is mid-way.  But what struck me was that she chose to come talk to me; she chose me to help her feel better.  I can’t say for sure why, but I have an idea.  It’s because I would understand, and she knew it.  She just needed some support, and I was able to give it to her, and truly mean what I was saying.  Because I have been there.  And I know what it’s like to have a special needs child.

In 2004, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  From the start, she wasn’t a happy baby.  She cried; she cried a lot.  Her father would pace the floor with her for hours, rocking her, and walking back and forth, back and forth.  At the time, she was diagnosed with a medical condition, and I just chalked it up to that.  I thought she was in pain, and that was why she cried all the time.  Now, I’m not so sure.  She didn’t really like to be held.  She refused to breastfeed.  She didn’t sleep through the night for a very, very long time.  She was just not a happy baby, but we loved her; she was ours.

As she got older, we noticed some more “irregularities”, but really didn’t think much of them.  What struck us was how advanced she was at such an early age.  She started pre-school early, but already knew everything that was being taught in pre-school.  She was fully reading by kindergarten, grades ahead of everyone else.  Her vocabulary was astounding as early as three years old!!

At three, I knew she was definitely different.  She was the smartest kid in the class, and I knew in my bones that she was smarter than I was, and that was the truth.  But, even with all of that, I think I chose not to pay attention to the rest of what was going on with her.  I think I took the “ostrich” approach, and chose to stick my head in the sand, and see what I wanted to see.  There were warning signs.  She only wanted to be comforted when she wanted to be comforted.  She most definitely did not like to be touched by most people outside of her immediate circle.  Loud sounds bothered her.  We weren’t able to vacuum a lot in our house, because the neighbor’s next door might think we were murdering our daughter.  She didn’t like the sounds of babies crying; it really, really bothered her.  And if we made any changes to her schedule without warning, it was meltdown city!!  At first, I thought that they were temper tantrums; all kids have them.  But hers were different and way more intense.  What I didn’t know then, but do now, was that she was having meltdowns.  Oh, she’d have temper tantrums as well, but then when she became too over stimulated, she would have Hiroshima-type meltdowns.  I understand them now, but I most certainly didn’t understand them then.

And don’t get me started on school!!!  I still have very bitter feelings about what she has had to endure in school.  My heart actually breaks when I think about the things she had to deal with at school.

To start, she had (and still has) no filter.  She says what she thinks.  Within her first few days at school, in pre-school, she walked up to her rather “plump” teacher at school, rubbed her belly, looked at her, and said “you’re fat”!  I was horrified, and so was the poor teacher.  I talked to “Tessa”, and explained to her how that wasn’t nice.  “Tessa” still didn’t understand, and said “well, she IS fat.  I told the truth”.  Little social intricacies like that escape her.  In kindergarten, her teacher called me into a meeting to talk to me about “Tessa’s” behavior in class.  She told me that she thought “Tessa” had ADHD, and that she was extremely disruptive in class, and asked me to go to the doctor, and have “Tessa” medicated.  My feelings on medicating kids with ADHD is a whole other post/rant, and not the point of today’s post.  But needless to say, despite several more meetings with this same teacher, and my patience getting progressively thinner, I never medicated her.  I knew she didn’t have ADHD.

At the time, while playing “ostrich”, I just thought that “Tessa” was smarter than the other kids, and that she was bored in class.  Come to find out years later that I was right!!!  And so wrong at the same time.  (shhh, don’t tell her father I am admitting I was wrong; I will never hear the end of that one!!!)

She continued to have struggles in school.  While she was soaking up knowledge like a sponge, she was by far the most disruptive kid in the class.  Craig and I spent hours and hours and hours at the school in her class, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  We “volunteered” for most, if not all, of her functions, so we could help to steer her in the right direction at school, and try to figure out what the heck was wrong.

This continued through the years.  Luckily for us, she found an Angel in her school that turned out to be her first and second grade teacher (we live in a small town, and it’s not uncommon for classes to be combined, and to have the same teacher for two years in a row).  We’ll call her Ms. K.  It took a few months for Ms. K to overcome the stereo type that followed “Tessa” from pre-school and kindergarten into the first grade, but she did.  She was able to see the extremely intelligent, sensitive, and unique little girl that “Tessa” actually was.  Ms. K even shared with me towards the end of second grade that “Tessa” was the most unique child that she had ever taught, and she also thought that “Tessa” was gifted.  FINALLY!!! I thought.  Someone else actually sees her like her father and I do.  But even though she had finally found a teacher that was able to see her for her, “Tessa” still had many struggles during those two years.

The first major thing was her obsessions.  She began to obsess over “small” things, such as dinosaurs, and sharks.  I thought it was cute.  Until they got worse.  She began to obsess about germs.  And that obsession started to turn physical.  She would wash her hands so often, and so forcefully, that her hands would crack and bleed.  I would pick her up from school, only to meet a very concerned Ms. K, to tell me that “Tessa” was at it again today, and wouldn’t touch something, or wouldn’t go play, because of the germs.  This went on for a few months, and thankfully, she was able to “let go” a little bit, but she found something else to obsess about.  This time it was diseases, primarily cancer, and terminal illnesses.  She would mull this over in her little head, and actually start to cry, because she was convinced that when Mommy got a cold, that she had lung cancer, and was going to die.  Her anxiety level would shoot through the roof, and it took everything that her father and I had to be able to calm her enough to comfort her and tell her that Mommy wasn’t dying.  I think it was around this time that I started to peek my “ostrich” eye out of the hole, and began to wonder if there might actually be something else going on with my little girl, besides being exceptionally smart.

During this same time, “Tessa” was struggling with other “social” demons.  First, she had no friends.  The kids just thought she was weird, and they steered clear of her.  I made sure to chaperone all of her field trips so she wouldn’t be alone.  I came home from each and everyone of these trips heartbroken over the way these other kids shunned her.  She would try to sit with them on the bus, and they wouldn’t let her.  She would try to walk with them during the field trip, and they would giggle, and run ahead of her.  She would always just look up at me, smile a little, and then turn her head away (I swear to you I am sitting at my computer right now in tears at the memory of all of those events).  These kids would run away from her at school dances, and laugh at her, as she would dance all by herself in the middle of the room.  (yep, I’m still crying).  And during this year is when the bullying began.

She started having issues with a little boy in her classroom.  She would come home, and tell me another story about what mean thing this little boy had said to her.  I told her to “ignore him”.  That continued, unfortunately.  And it was happening at school, too.  She would try to talk to her teacher, and was told the same thing; “just ignore him, Tessa”.  This continued on for over a year.  Until one day, she told me that she wanted to run away, or be dead.  I gotta tell you, a horse could have kicked me in the stomach that day, and it would have had less of an impact on me than what my child just told me.  No one can ever prepare you to hear your 7 year old say something like that.  Well, I finally started to listen to her.  And was horrified at what I heard, and was horrified at the adults in her life; myself included.  She had been being tormented by two little boys at school, including physical abuse.  But she finally stopped telling any adults, because we kept telling her to “ignore” them.  We taught her that she couldn’t tell adults anything, because they didn’t believe her.  Imagine how her father and I felt.  It was devastating.  Especially since the school didn’t take us seriously (to begin with) and we had to go back many, many times, and finally threaten to go to the police to get anyone to take us seriously.  And this was all because “Tessa” was “different”.

At the end of her second school year, Ms. K came to me and said that she wanted us to consent to have Tessa evaluated.  She was leaving the school, and she was concerned that her next teacher wouldn’t be so understanding with her, and Ms. K wanted to prove that Tessa was smart.  I consented.  And she was right; her next teacher wasn’t as understanding.

Next came all of the red tape.  We had to wait for the educational testing.  We had to wait for the doctor’s appointments.  Then we had to wait for the specialist’s appointments.  And then we had to take her to the University of Calgary for further testing and investigations.  And this took about two years from start to finish, all the while she was continuing to struggle.  Some terms began to surface during all of this testing.  And I began to get scared.  ADHD, depression, OCD, Autism, Gifted, sensitive; my head spinned for months.  And my computer got a work out.  Every time a specialist would mention something else they were testing her for, I would go home, and spend hours a day, for days, googling all of these things.  I ran to her family physician, terrified.  (I have known him for years, as we worked together).  I needed to hear someone in authority, that I trusted, tell me that there was nothing wrong with Tessa.  He also thought that she was just a smart, sensitive child. Turns out everyone was right, and wrong.

Her tests came back, and she was as smart as everyone thought that she was!!!  Yay, Tessa!  Mommy knew you were smart!  She tested off the charts in some areas.  But there was a BUT….and it was a big BUT.  Nothing could have prepared me for what the psychologist told me next, even though I had spent hours googling it.  Tessa is Autistic. (again, crying here).

I will explain the whole Autism Spectrum, and it’s degrees another day.  It deserves it’s own post.  Lord knows I have done enough research on it by now.  This is about my journey, and how I got here.

I went home that day numb.  And I think I might have cried on the way home that day, I can’t quite remember.  That was less than a year ago now.  And I am still processing it, and I think I always will.  But it has been a journey so far.  And I’m not sure there are many people alive that can say “I understand exactly how you feel”, and truly mean it.  I think only a parent who has walked in my shoes can understand how I have felt.

I have gone through the spectrum of emotions.  I was relieved, because we finally had an answer.  I was scared, because I had no idea what the future held for her.  I was angry!  I was spitting mad at her teachers, and her school.  I was angry because she “wasn’t normal”.  I was depressed because she wasn’t “normal”.  I was pissed at her father, because he wasn’t reacting to this, at all.  (He has his own journey, and it isn’t my place to tell you about his journey.  He has gotten to his acceptance in his own way, and that is his story to tell).  I mourned.  I mourned because I realized that she was never going to be that model, she was never going to be that famous singer she wanted to be, she was never going to grow up and get married and have babies or her own (I know folks, I’m getting to the point of my story when I realized how wrong I was, again!!!).  I mourned for her that she was never going to have a “normal” relationship with someone.  I mourned because my baby was autistic, and she was different!!!  I felt sorry for myself because my baby was autistic and she was different.  I was overwhelmed, because NOW people were coming out of the woodwork to “help” us.  “Tessa qualifies for this program now, and she qualifies for extra help at school, and you qualify for federal aid, and blah blah blah blah”.  I think I started to hear the peanut teacher “waa wah waa wah wah”.  I wasn’t really listening, because I was mourning and feeling sorry for myself, and feeling sorry for my baby.  All of a sudden, the school was going out of their way to help Tessa, because now they knew she wasn’t “bad”, she didn’t have “ADHD”; she had a disability!!!  Holy crap.  To be a fly on the wall inside my head that day!!  They wanted to help her now because she was disabled!  What the BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP?!?  Can you tell I am still a little bitter with the school?

It took my daughter to flip that switch in my brain.  I ordered her a book called “All Cats have Asperger’s Syndrome”.  In all of my feeling sorry for myself, I had no idea how I was going to break it to her, so I chickened out and bought a book to do it for me.  She read it and said something to me that I will never forget.  She said “So that is why I love cat’s so much!!  They are cool because they aren’t like everyone else; they are unique”.  You could have knocked me over with a feather that day.

It took me a few weeks after that to wrap my brain around what was really going on.  And it was Tessa that helped me to see that she wasn’t disabled (even though the government says she is).  She is cool because she isn’t like anyone else!!  She is beautiful.  She is unique.  She is gifted and smart.  She is sensitive.  She is capable.  She is smarter than I am, and she is smarter than her father is.  And she has the most beautiful soul.  She doesn’t see the ugly in other people.  She sees what is beautiful!  I made a comment one day about not liking Lady Gaga, and Tessa put me in my place.  She looked up at me, and said “Mom, that’s not nice to not like someone because of the way they look or the way that they dress!  Lady Gaga is a nice person, and you should like her because of that!”  And yet again, my daughter was right.  (For the record, I was talking about Lady Gaga’s music at the time, not her personally.)

Tessa is honest to a fault.  She says what she thinks, and I envy her that.  No one will ever question where they stand with her, because she will let you know.  She sees the world from the most beautiful place, and I only wish that I could too.  I’m not sure she has the ability to ever become jaded like her mama is, and I am thankful for that.  My daughter has taught me so many lessons in her short life, and she is most definitely the wisest person in any room.

Do I still struggle with her?  Yes.  This is another lesson for another day, but with Autism comes secondary issues, like anxiety, obsessions, depression, etc. and I don’t want to get into that today.  This isn’t about her, it’s about me.

In the five stages of mourning comes acceptance.  I have finally come to the acceptance stage in my mourning process.  I know I have gotten here a little quicker than most, because of my background.  But I understand.  I have made this journey, and came out on the other side a little bit stronger, and a little bit wiser, because of Tessa.  There is nothing wrong with my daughter.  The is something right with my daughter.  And she is different.  But that different is a good thing.  God wired her differently than most of us, and I don’t know why.  But she will show me one day.  Maybe she has the cure to cancer in her little brain.  And it’s my job to help her in her journey.  God made me her mother for a reason, and it’s because she is so special.  I’m ashamed it took me so long to realize it, but that makes me human.  I’m not wired like Tessa, and it’s a shame, because when she re-read her “Cat” book, and finally understood exactly what it was trying to tell her, she smiled.  She understood immediately.  She understood what it was that made her so special right away that it took her mommy more than a year to figure out.  Yep.  She is the wisest person in any room.

I’m still taking this journey one day at a time, and I’m still learning.  I have finally found something that is helping her, and that is for another day.  I feared for her, and her mental well being, because she does suffer from anxiety (extreme at times), she does still have meltdowns, she has the propensity for violence (again, not fodder for this post, but an educational point in another post in the future), she can get depressed, and obsessed about certain subjects, but I have found her help for all of that, and I am grateful to my core.  And no, it’s not “drugs”, because this momma has very, very strong feelings about that.  I was blessed to find something all natural, that is making a difference for her, and I can now see a life for her that includes finding a soul mate, having babies, and having whatever career that she chooses, including maybe one day curing cancer.

My baby isn’t disabled.  She is different, and that is what makes her the wisest person in the room. My journey will never be “done”, but I have my answers, and I have accepted what life chose to give to me.  And I will raise a healthy, smart, beautiful little girl that sees the best in everyone, and that is what I was put on this earth to do.

Heather

Introduction to “me”.

Hey there.  If you are reading this, it’s either because I personally invited you to keep up with my blog, or someone else has invited you to read it.  Either way, welcome.  For my personal friends, some of this may be a review, of sorts.  For the rest of you, I thought it would be fitting to give you a little introduction to myself, what I do, and what my goals are for this blog.

My name is Heather.  I’m fast approaching my (gasp) 40th birthday.  Because of this, I am going through many transitions right now.  I want to be healthy by the big 4-0.  Happiness is relative, and totally depends on the day.  What I can say about that is I am content.  I have two beautiful, highly intelligent, happy, well-adjusted children.  I am in a “common-law” relationship with their father, which I have been with for 10 years.  I use that term loosely, as I have many feelings about it (both good and bad), which maybe some day I will share; just not today.  He is my life partner, and we have a great family.  ’nuff said about that.  

Craig and I own and operate a business together.  It is called “Grillo’s Pizzeria”, and it’s our third baby.  It was always my dream to own a successful business, and now I do.  But that isn’t my life’s calling.  My life’s calling is twofold, really.  First, my children.  I genuinely believe that I was meant to be their mother, and maybe in a few future posts, you will come to understand why.  This is just an introduction to “me”; I will get into the nuts and bolts of my life later.  My second “calling” is my career.  I am an emergency room nurse.  I have been in this profession since the late 90’s, and I still love it.  I am good at my job, and I truly enjoy helping people.

In that same vain, I have come across two companies that I have grown passionate about.  The first is a weight loss company.  Since having my daughter 9 years ago, I have struggled with my weight.  Up until that pregnancy, I was “that” skinny girl, who could eat just about anything, and not gain weight.  That went out the window, with a few other common pregnancy-isms.  The biggest was the weight, which I still struggle with, but it’s getting better.  This company is giving me the boost that I need to get into shape, and it is helping me lose weight.  At my 6 week mark on the weight loss supplement, I had lost over 10lbs, and 8+ total inches.  I have not weighed myself in the last two weeks, but will get around to it this Friday.

The second company is going to become one of my biggest passions, as it is helping my daughter.  Basically, it’s a nutritional supplement; but it is sooooo much more.  In a later post, I will share with you why I think this way, and how this supplement has been saving lives, both literally and figuratively.  And I will share with you my story about my daughter.  I’m just not ready to do that just yet.  It’s a very personal and touchy subject of mine and I’m just not ready to “put it out there” just yet.

Lastly, is my goals for this blog.  My biggest goal is to educate.  There are so many things that I think people need more information about.  For example, with the recent tragic school shootings in Connecticut, there was a huge public backlash about Asperger’s Syndrome and Autism.  Why?  Because the average person is uneducated about what those really are.  My goal is to change that stereotype, one person at a time.  I also occasionally go on “rants” about various subjects, up to and including my days at work.  While I am bound by law to keep specific patient information confidential, I can speak in generalities.  I start my first “work” day tomorrow in a brand new state-of-the-art ER in Calgary (we just opened three days ago).  I will be in Charge, doing triage, on the code team, and doing bedside nursing.  I’m bound to have some awesome days, and conversely, some not-so-awesome days.  I will share some of those experiences here (just no specifics).  

I am hoping you will read these posts and have a little laugh, maybe close it down slightly more educated on important “medical issues”, or maybe you might just walk away from the computer thinking “I never thought of that before, maybe I should”.  

The world is full of very special people, and God was kind enough to make sure that I got the pleasure to raise one of these special people.  I’d like you to understand her a little bit more, and all of the other “special Angels” we have.  These Angels are different, not less.

 

Heather